So yeah. Todays topic is just that. It can really be applied to all guys, but for the sake of the blog we'll keep it about guys who love fat women.
1. When you are wearing Umbros or any kind of thin shorts- Yeaaahhhh probably the biggest single annoying thing. Sometimes when you're at the beach enjoying the bikini show of plump rolls, over stretched clothing push to the max by big butts, you evently find a really cute face to go with all that yummy fat. BAM. Then it hits you and you're ten feet from your towel, which in erection mode is like crossing ten miles of hot coal with star wars I playing on repeat behind you on a mobile tv screaming " Eeeerwwwwection ANI, ewwwrection ANI.. meesa says you haf erection!". So you get the idea hear dont ya? If you go tot he beach and your hot dog gets cooked, bring a back up covering device that you can store away in you hair or on your arms. Better yet, get that surfer's board man because chances are, those waves of undulating fat are gonna get you going.
2. Playing Sports- Give him the NELSON the NELSON! oohhh shit what are you doing? Yeah...when it comes to sports getting the rection could mean the difference between loosing a scoring shot and running with your "ball(s)". When a mans gets his rod on, it becomes very awkward to move for one thing. Think of it as pitch your tent down for the night. yeah. Try this at home if your curious as to what its like, Get some glue, a long long long stick and some duck tape. Now glue/tape the stick to your chest, butt or croch(whichever you prefer) and then put on your clothing. Once ready, got out for a jog around your friendly open minded neighborhood. That is if you can get out of the front door without bangin' your stick into something. Now, try playing some tag with your buddies or scoring a goal in soccer. Go on dribble that ball..... Right.
3. AT THE GYM... BRO- Lots and lots of people go to the gym. They go to either work out or watch that hot fat chick in those tight, tight spandex do jumping jacks..... wait what? Oh yeah, erections got it. So imagine you are with your homies taking a break from reps on those dumbbells. You got your arms all jacked and veins and shit are showing everywhere. Out comes this woman with killer fat curves, soft double chin, blue eye blonde with hips that rival the bar's double 45lbs olympic weights discs. Your eyes follow her bouncy jiggling butt to the RUN MILL or BIKE. ......... BAM !. Your realize as its to late to turn off that switch while whatching that bike seat get squashed under all that fat and cellulite or watching her plump body jiggle all over as her butt cheeks fight one another for higher elevation while she jogs in front of screen filled with birds singing sleeping beauty in a forest filled with chimpmunks, squrriels and a one wild unicorn. "Hey BRO lets hit the bench man, you go first" Thats it. GAME OVER. You get on that bench with a boner and everyone including your great grandfather thrice removed is gonna know its happy hour for you. Hands down your buddy's are never going to let you live that one off. Heres a tip. Tie a weight to your little guy before going to the gym. That way you both get the workout.
4. POSING FOR THE ART CLASS - What? Trying to inspire the next MICHAEL ANGELO???? (spelling aside) Your sitting there stone cold still for 3 hours. Suddenly the in the next class session the professor waddles in her with class. BAM! Shit man you'd never seen a paint booty like that until now. You could have a whole derwent graphic pencil set layed out on that shelf butt of hers! Forget finger painting that crappy paper, lemme slap some blue and green over that flabby belly and a touch of lime yellow on those trunk thighs baby! mmmhmmm.Well you've just fucked yourself and those students who been drawing you for the past 3 hours. Baby boy jimmy decided to wake up for his slumber and point at that hot fat professor who just came in. Now EVERYONE has to change their anatomy of you because this class is a strict NO ARTISITC LICENSE LIFE DRAWING CLASS.. FUUUUUUCCCCKK! Whats that you say? No artisitic license, we have to draw exactly what we see verbatim? But Professor Fluffystockbooty, I thought my naval autonomy was correct!? This would be the top of the ten worst times to get an erection because once you get one, you can move or change pose. The only reason its not the top is because you can say you've just been "inspired".
5. THE SWAN BALLET- Tights. Tippy Toes and skirts. Nuff said. Don't pretend the audience is naked, because chances are there will be a fat brunette with pig tails in front row wearing glasses and a short skirt. You'll notice shes stuck and her fat boobs are about to break out open as she trys to shimmy herself out of the seat she accidentally got stuck in. DONT FALL INTO HER. Yeah she may cushiony enough to land on, but not with a Boner dude. You'll harpoon the beauty and break it while doing so. I know her fat belly is just as soft and what not, but not while you're playing the SWAN. oh and btw your tights have been ripped open for the past 5 minutes. Thats probably why that fat hottie is trying to get out of her seat. Hint Hint.
6. THE INTERVIEW FOR A JOB- Shes your potential boss. Your all dressed up, belt ready pin stripped pants, tucked in shirt and tie. She asks you to put your jacket on the side as you sit down in her office. You noticed her perky red lips and hazel eyes. Shes a red head. Dressed in an all red shiny satin dress and sitting behind her throne-desk of doom she asks you how you're going to rule the world. What are you goals for world domination? How will you react in this situation that environment etc.... What are your experience in the field of evil-doing? She sudden stops you in mid reply and proceeds to get up from her wide leather chair. Thought the chair was little big for her? No. Wrong. Dead wrong pal. You notice a change from the petite top of her body as you eyes follow a curvy tale lower. A nice fat pot belly begins to shadow her desk, then her wide hips. Finally her thunder thighs of doom poke out from a slit in her red dress. BAM! Ohh shit man, shes really flabtastic below aint she? she sure can hide that well behind the desk of doom. Now you're stuck. you forgot about your shirt tucked in and your jacket is now in her hands as she hangs it up on the coat rack. You reach for your tie, but its to short to cover you. You try to positon your hand to hide it but you end up looking like a doofus on your interview. Great impression.... in the pants. As you leave the office some time later you look at her title. " Ms. BigBooty CEO of Legion of Doom Enterprises". Pro tip, When applying to a supervillian company, bring a bright red folder with lots of paper. Blank paper is acceptable, White paper that is.
7. GRADUATE STUDENT LECTURE ON SENIOR THESIS- what the fuck does this title mean anyway? well lets make it up. Your in front of the whole class giving a lecture about the synthetic issues of nylon umbro shorts and how they can have a positive impact in culture blah blah blah... A fellow classmate raise her hand and you notice its that plump dark haired italian babe who has fattened up recently from the dorm food. BAM! Now you're standing their infront of everyone with a hard one for this rotound babe asking you something about 90s and umbros and you're just oogling her body head to toe. Well time to get out your pointer and show the cutie where your point is. If you're a lucky man you'll cover your boner with some paper in your hand and proceed to make up some answer for her question. Nothing feels worse than having people watch you during your lecture with your sword clashing for space in the pants. The hand in the pocket is sometimes an okay deflection for the erection, but you'll just end up looking like goof in front of everyone. Chalk it up to bad luck if this happens to you. Also from #5 dont picture your audience naked. That just confuses your little guy.
8. MEETING HER PARENTS- Your in consistent fear. Her father has a loaded Walter PP (not that crappy Walter PP-K that bond uses) on his hip and the mother a knife for cutting meat as they greet and talk to you while your date is getting ready. "So what kind of job do you have? " the father asks while cleaning out an old M1- Rifle. Before you can reply, the woman of your dreams comes down the stairs. Her round thighs swishing against eachother in an ll but to small dress that was made many pounds ago. Her pot belly nodding up and down with each step. Her round face smiles at you and you catch her eyes and that sparkle in them. Yeah your gonna get laid tonight in the back seat. BAM! Your little guy chimes into your deep thoughts. Then you hear the father add to his sentence. "When a gun is loaded you have to be careful, without proper discpline it may go off even if you dont have your finger on the trigger..." he says to you as he brings up the pistol out of the hoslter. "Yes you have to be well trained and aware of the rules when handling such things" the mother says while she cuts a carrot with her sharp knife. ............Get me out of here. Please!
9. THE CHECK UP - Well its time for that annual doctor's check up ! That's right sponge bath time..... right? Nurse? Nurse where are you? Okay. You're sitting in the office and ready for the typical blood pressure needle in the arm lolipop routine. Sitting there with your thumbs up you hear the door crack open.
In walks this lady with brown tied back hair, glasses and a round face with perky lips. BAM! Your pecker creeps up and begins to needle at your Doc. You eye her fat hourglass figure up and down, taking in those melon sizes boobs and scanning down a thick waist to ballooning thighs and hips. What the hell are you gonna do now when she goes to cup your jewels huh? How are you going to explain your stick syndrome to this PHD Babe?
10. THE MORNING WAKE UP- Thats right. That plague they call dry seaweed is cause by that erection we all get in the morning. You're having this great dream about a 300 lbs fat butted babe riding the 3 speed stick when all of a sudden you wake up and you realize its time for that fun things called work. FML. now you gotta calm down the little guy and get up and brush your teeth and its MONDAY MORNING. FML.....
You gotta hate mondays.
A Dude Who Loves Fat Chicks
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