A Dude Who Loves Fat Chicks

A Dude Who Loves Fat Chicks

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Thursday, April 23, 2015

Reflections

I've been reflecting much lately to help myself move forward. It is very hard to take things day by day. I recall when Kat hit me the first time. I have never been hit by a woman other than my mom and grandmother. We were playing phase 10 with my dad and she kept calling me a "cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater" because I was looking at her hand. I jokingly said that's not what I'm looking at. She then punched me very hard and very quickly that I was in shock. She punched me in the arm. it did not hurt, but suffice to say at the time i felt like I deserved it. Saying something stupid like that in front of my dad was a wrong thing to do however, looking back at it now, no person should ever lay a hand on you ever. Period. At our last encounter I remember she spoke of "how I could not handle her punching me" I thought she was playing around at first, but something inside me said that wasn't the case. I told its not a matter of me handling her punches... I remember the silence that followed and then her next words were "you could probably kick my ass.." I cut her off and said "NO" I then offered to teach her self defense to which she replied "I'll ponder that..". I don't believe in play fighting or real fighting. I would never and will never lay a hand on her or anyone else unless my life or the life of another person was in danger. Looking back at that awkward conversation I realize her for what she is. She is an abusive woman. I was in denial about it. She would treat me pretty bad  and be pretty dismissive of any differing opinions. I remember one time in wow I went on a raid with her best friends guild and we had a good time. Kat shows up later and immediately gets angry at me. She said she was bummed out that I got to go and that her in game husband boyfriend-whatever and her did not get to go. She then spent some time saying how stupid it was she was a few ilvls below the needed requirement and that they could have just taken her anyways because she said she was a good priest. I felt horrible. Like a different person emerged and was rearing its teeth at not only me, but her"best friend" too. I was too weak to understand what she was doing to me. I was isolated.

At our last physical encounter, the reason why she wanted me to tag along with our last meetup was because she was going food shopping and "hated shopping alone". I now look at it and realize that what she was really saying through a fake smile, was that "I just want to be seen with you so I don't feel bad when people look at me." I understand why women like to friend zone men, but then lead them on. They want to look good in front of other people. That makes them feel better...

 Later as we were driving to dinner at BJs she told me in my car that she didn't want to be home and be talking to a friend her family had over because she didn't want to explain what was going on in her life. She used me as an excuse to avoid her family. Why would you not want to be with your family? Why would you not want to talk about your life? She used me for a-lot of things. Emotional abusing my feelings for her at will and lying about who she was.  She would get so angry for me surprising her in game for what I thought was fun and nice thing. I gave her a in game hug and her reaction to that was "what are you stalking me now?"I thought she couldnt be serious so I joked along until I realized a few sentences in she was not. It completely surprised me. She then proceeded to spill her entire story about who she was with and meeting them for something. While she was doing this I thought "Jesus Christ all I did was I wanted to give you  hug. I didn't even know who you were meeting nor did I care...." She assumed I was "checking up on her" and never gave me the benefit of the doubt. It was at that point I began to seriously question her ethics and why shed get so mad over something like that. She didn't trust me. She NEVER trusted me.

I just don't understand how someone who was abused and had gone through so much, could turn into the abuser. I don't know if she realizes whats shes become or if she just doesn't care. What I do know now is that I was nothing to her. I was just an item to be used and discarded. She wanted to feel good about herself at my expense. I did things in wow to make her happy and to save her time so that she could spend more time with her adopted baby son and spend less time on the game. I also tried to give her things to make her happy in real life too and spend time with her. She was a very flaky woman to say the least and the time we spent together was usually brief. I'd chalked  it up to her baby son, but something now tells me that she may have other reasons. I mean I found out that she had lied to me about being married! She lead me out here and we went on a date, held hands and ate together! It was all a LIE. All of it. Her reason : "It was none of my business" and it was "convenient" for her to lie to me. So changing my entire life partly for me, but also for her wasn't a good enough reason to tell me the truth? We talked about naming our children and marriage. How the hell is it not my business when you lure someone with that kind of talk. Who the hell are you?...

She hurt me very much. I didn't know someone could be so malicious and evil. I never want to see her again. The abuse always starts with a punch , then a bat, knife, and finally a bullet. If I saw her or say something to her it would be this-You can't hurt me anymore Leslie (kat). Stay away and never come near me again. 

Sometimes I get real afraid she might come to my address and hurt me. I had a nightmare when she responded after months of silence. The night mare was a three staged nightmare. First part was I was drowning in the ocean. I died and woke up into the same ocean. Only this time I was being eaten by sharks. I died again and woke up. I was on a rowboat in the middle of the ocean with nothing. Then I finally woke up. I think now that nightmare was a warning sign to avoid Kat. My mind was skeptical of her, but my heart really reached out and wanted to believe in her. I followed my heart and for that I am paying now.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Moving past the tragic ending....

About a month ago I found out someone who I thought was my friend, had lied to me about something very big. We were dating last summer online and I had made plans to move out to CA meet her and start a family with her. She adopted a 1 month old baby and had called me toa sk if I still wanted to pursue a future together. I said yes after thinking about it. I wanted children with her. I knew she had been married and she had told me she was divorced. She had lied to me about being divorced. I had made decisions based on her answer to me at that time and I decided to move out then before the winter of 2014. A very close person to me passed away as I was moving out here to newark ca. I was not able to attend the funeral. For that I've not gotten closure. I've lost a few other family and friends and my friends have lost family as well since my time out here. I have not been able to find closure, however I was moving forward until recently when I found out about the lie. I found out about it from an unlikely source and I wasn't even looking for that kind of thing. It came out in a conversation and a few hours later it hit me. I sat up in bed full of anger, rage and most of all, heart break. All of the emotions hit me hard and despite knowing this I went to work that day. I dont know how I was able to work.. but I did. I don't understand how someone with a life history of hers could ever do that to someone else. I put my faith and trust in this person and she completely manipulated and used me for her own personal gain. I am in shock and disbelief still. I had wanted to talk her and she didn't want to meet because it was "to serious for just friends" she replied in a text. I tried calling her. She didn't want to talk. She didn't give me much of a choice except through texting, which is probably the worst forum of communication for this sort of thing. In my anger and rage at this point I couldnt hold back the truth that I knew and I was an asshole  and jerk to her. I accused her of far fetched things. I wasn't thinking about what I was saying because emotion had grabbed me. I didn't know what was real and what wasn't. I didn't know right from wrong at this point. I tried backing out.. but something about her tone and responses egged me on. She called me all sorts of names throughout the fight, stalker, obsessive, asshole, jerk. At the end she admitted she did not tell me because it was convenient to her and that it was no ones business including my own. It was my business. She abruptly said being human is one thing, being an asshole is another. implying that I wasn't even a human to her nor worthy of her presence. I felt like she had just ripped my soul in pieces. How could someone say such things when we both shared intimate things with each-other. I never knew she could back-stab me in such a horrible way and worse.. feel nothing about it. I forgave her in my heart a few days later and sent a video message to her explaining why even though i didn't need to. It was more for me really. I doubt she ever saw it. I took it down a few days after. She hates me and wasted no time in removing me from her life. I moved 3000 miles to be with her and she knew that. She never trusted me I realize now. I feel used and abused and broken. Now I'm alone out here trying to get my career going. This place is a great place, but the pain can be too much sometimes. I try to avoid things that remind me of her but its next to impossible. I never asked for this. I never wanted things to end this way if they were going to.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Two more bbw art pieces

Will update some more when I get the chance life has been busy. Sadie summers and Butterscotch .

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Annnd im back.


Well in short , The lady I had found was not lets say, ready for me. I don't think she ever be ready to be honest. But thats not why I'm back. I am back because I've found new purpose for this blog. As a result of this I will now continue on to my latest find. Whitney Way Thore.

Shes 29,  and is on the path to show others what size acceptance is about. She has a site called No Body Shame Campaign. http://nobodyshamecampaign.com/No_Body_Shame_Campaign.html 
Shes a radio producer for 107.5 KZL in Greensboro, Nc. She regularly posts videos of herself dancing. I find this to be utterly amazing and highly enjoyable. Shes got a great body, great attitude and CONFIDENCE. Thats what caught my eye and whats more important is her message. Women should not be ashamed of their bodies no matter what size! I admit to having a huge crush on her and would love to dance with her! You've caught my eye Whitney! :) keep up the fine work!

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